September 27, 2020

Late Night on Trump’s Virus Briefings: ‘The Reboot Nobody Asked For’

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Many of us are stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

President Trump resumed his coronavirus briefings on Tuesday, with a senior member of his administration saying the plan was to keep them short, tight and centered on the president.

“Now, I don’t know how they’re going to do that unless they fit the president with one of those doggy shock collars,” Stephen Colbert said on “The Late Show.”

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“So, with Americans being infected by the tens of thousands every day and the president’s polls in free fall, yesterday, Trump announced that he is bringing back his coronavirus task force briefings. It’s the reboot nobody asked for: ‘Dirty Grandpa 2020.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Oh, man, I hate it when a show comes back after a long break and I can’t remember any of the plot lines.” — SETH MEYERS

“Still, it’s good that he’s going to be talking about the new scientific developments and deferring to the experts, except he’s not, because many of the briefings are likely to feature just the president. So instead of getting the old band back together, we’re just going to get a daily performance of Trump’s solo project, ‘The Bleach Boy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“That’s right, today was Trump’s first coronavirus briefing in almost three months, or as that’s known in Trump time, about 82 tell-all books.” — JIMMY FALLON

“This is like Samsung bringing back their exploding Galaxy phone.” — JIMMY FALLON

“The press secretary also said the briefings will focus on Trump’s accomplishments on the virus. So at least they’ll be short.” — JIMMY FALLON

“I’m excited the briefings are back, ‘cause I just want to see what kind of treatments Trump comes up with on the spot. [As Trump] ‘Have we tried canceling the virus? Can we get it canceled on Twitter?” — JIMMY FALLON

“Oh, speaking of unconstitutional, last night in Portland, Oregon, nameless federal storm troopers again fired tear gas and flash grenades at protesters. Or, as Trump put it, ‘We are trying to help Portland, not hurt it.’”— STEPHEN COLBERT

“You want to help the people of Portland, don’t send in goons to round them up — you buy their organic fair-trade macramé.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Local officials aren’t happy. Oregon governor Kate Brown complained, ‘We cannot have secret police abducting people in unmarked vehicles. I can’t believe I have to say that to the president of the United States.’ Really, you can’t believe that? ‘Cause it’s just one of a long list of other things you shouldn’t have to say to the president of the United States, like ‘Frederick Douglass is dead,’ ‘Don’t inject bleach’ and ‘You can’t date your daughter.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Man, that sounds less like democracy and more like an episode of ‘Narcos.’” — TREVOR NOAH

”Unidentified soldiers throwing protesters into an unmarked van on the streets of Portland? Like, I don’t care who you are, nothing good has ever come from an unmarked van. It’s never like, ‘Get in the van! Get in the unmarked van! We’re going to Disney World!” — TREVOR NOAH

“And how are people even supposed to tell the difference between being arrested and being kidnapped? Because I don’t know if you noticed this, but in America, random dudes walk around in camo gear holding guns all the time.” — TREVOR NOAH

Nikki Glaser, guest-hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” shared some of her virtual dating exploits on Tuesday night.

Mary Trump will talk about her uncle Donald with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”

ImagePhoebe Bridgers played her first livestream of the pandemic in April for Pitchfork.